We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
