nut hugger
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
