Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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