Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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