I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
