I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
