Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
