we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
