We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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