You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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