I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
