found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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