The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
