This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize