Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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