There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
