I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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