Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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