the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
