Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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