saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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