did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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