Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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