I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
