Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
