he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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