Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
