Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
