turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize