I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
