I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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