Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
