You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
