Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
