Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
