i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dick very happy bro
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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