You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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