My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
