I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
