Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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