Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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