Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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