I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
