there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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