I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
