The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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