dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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