i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
