Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
