Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
