so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
