I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
