i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Blood and glitter go together right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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