why didn't you poke me back
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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