someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
