the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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