He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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