Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize