I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
