No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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