I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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